Women and Sex Addiction

(Adapted from The Society for Advancement of Sexual Health)

A fine line exists between what may be considered acceptable sexual behavior and what is sexually addictive or compulsive. This is especially true for women in a society where sex is often treated as commodity. Our culture discourages women from being assertive and direct in the expression of their sexual needs, thereby encouraging a less direct and potentially seductive or manipulative style.

Some women go beyond these culturally-sanctioned behaviors and use sex compulsively as a means of gaining power and love. The idea of being “love addicted” may be preferred by sexually addicted women because it fits the romantic, nurturer model of woman, whereas the term “sex addict” connotes an image of a “nymphomaniac,” “slut,” or “whore.” The “love” that these women describe is often an addiction to the yearning or euphoria of romance, but has little to do with love.

The elements of sex addiction in women are the same as in any addiction: compulsion, continuation despite adverse consequences, and preoccupation or obsession. The following behaviors when taken to excess are suggestive of sex addiction in women:

1. Compulsion or unsuccessful attempts to control a sexual behavior:

• Changing relationships to control sexual fantasy and/or activities
• Swearing off relationships, only to give in to the next “right” lover
• Breaking promises to self or others to stop abusive fantasy or sexual behaviors
• Switching to caretaking others, workaholism, overeating, or romance novels to take the place of a sexual relationship

2. Continued behavior despite negative consequences:

• Unplanned pregnancies, abortions, sexually transmitted diseases, or violence
• Terror or shame resulting from sexual activities
• Decreased productivity at work due to sexual behavior with self or others
• Relationship problems resulting from extramarital affairs or excessive time spent on sex-related activities
• Depression related to inability to change sexual patterns or their consequences
• Substance abuse or eating disorders to numb shame and other negative feelings related to sexual activities

3. Obsessive thoughts in planning or obtaining sex.

• Neglecting family, relationship, or career because of time spent preoccupied with sex or sexual partners.

Some sexual addictive behavior patterns in women may include: excessive flirting, dancing, or personal grooming to be seductive; wearing provocative clothing whenever possible; changing one’s appearance via excessive dieting, excessive exercise, and/or reconstructive surgery to be seductive; exposing oneself in a window or car; making sexual advances to younger siblings, clients, or others in subordinate power positions; seeking sexual partners in high-risk locations; multiple extramarital affairs; disregard of appropriate sexual boundaries, e.g. considering a married person, one’s boss, or one’s personal physician as appropriate objects of romantic involvement; trading sex for drugs, help, affection, money, social access, or power; having sex with someone they just met at a party, bar or on the internet (forms of anonymous sex); compulsive masturbation; and exchanging sex for pain or pain for sex.

Most sexually addicted women have not had parental role modeling on emotional intimacy in nonsexual ways. There is often a combination of rigidity and lack of emotional support in the sex addict’s family of origin. Many women sex addicts were sexually abused in childhood.

Women sex addicts may have long periods of inactivity in their sexual addiction. At such times, they may become sexually anorexic, the opposite end of the sexual dysfunction spectrum. During periods of sexual anorexia, they may become excessive in other areas, such as eating.

Many sexually addicted women have sought professional help for psychological problems, but their sexual compulsivity was never addressed. Therapists who understand sex addiction, believe the client’s sexual history, and can help the client stop the behaviors and deal with the underlying feelings, are the most helpful. In addition, 12-step programs such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA) and Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA) can help women manage periods of abstinence and can teach them to integrate healthy sexual behavior into their lives.

Women and Love Addiction

Remember the old song Falling in Love With Love? If you fall in love with love, and it’s all about romance and intensity that quickly transitions into chaos and disappointment, chances are what you’re falling into isn’t love at all. It’s addiction.

For Love Addicts, the mad passionate act of falling in love is about abandoning the self in search of the fantasy other, the knight in shining armor with Happily Ever After emblazoned on his shield.

Pia Mellody, author of Facing Love Addiction lists the three primary characteristics of a Love Addict:

1. Love Addicts assign a disproportionate amount of time, attention and “value above themselves” to the person to whom they are addicted, and this focus often has an obsessive quality to it.

2. Love Addicts have unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from the other person in the relationship.

3. Love Addicts neglect to care for or value themselves while they’re in the relationship

Most new relationships involve an intensity which can be exciting for a while but eventually fades. The search for this kind of intensity (often mistaken for intimacy) can easily result in negative consequences, especially if it keeps you on a merry-go-round of new and ever-more-unsatisfying relationships. True intimacy with another person develops over time and is the result of conscious personal investment.